positive thoughts :)

back on track.

back on oratane! i was off it for almost a month, got my blood test results back, and everything's almost back to normal :)
i was really worried i'd have to start all over again, but the doctor just told me to continue from before.

so currently on my third month :)
he rang me the other day to see how i was going, which was so nice of him!
also i'm feeling a lot more positive.

i went to a cousin's birthday party the other day and she had FLAWLESS skin! she didn't have to wear any foundation, only a bit of blush. when everyone asked her about her skin, she said she used to have really bad skin, but went on roaccutane.

i can only hope my skin will one day be like hers... except with a lot of holes :(

by the way, summer's approaching and lots of holidays planned.
only thing that sucks is i'll be on oratane and i'll have to be really careful in the sun...
*sigh*
but it's a sacrifice i'm willing to make and it'll be all worth it in the end.

krystal x

oratane - until we meet again.

so i had my prescription all ready to go buy my third packet of oratane, but on the way i stopped at the doctors to book an appointment for the end of the week.

however, the receptionist told me there was an available time slot after the next patient, so i got to see the doctor within 15 minutes.

he checked my latest blood test results and... i find that i'm now anemic and am low in white blood cells!

the doctor told me to stop the medication, just continuing using the cream he gave me (4% clindamycin mixed in cetaphil) and is making me taking centrum multivitamins until the next blood test in about two weeks :(

i'm thinking it has something to do with my new shift to "healthier foods" which means less red meat, since i'm currently lacking in iron and constantly feeling tired.

i'm just hoping it doesn't halt my progress and that i can go straight back onto oratane and continue once i'm better... and hopefully my acne doesn't get any worse :'(

- K xoxo

masked attempt.

this is what my skin currently looks like when I wear foundation.

when i wear makeup, it makes me look and feel so dirty and unpresentable! i absolutely hate wearing it, but at least i look a bit more socially acceptable with it on :(

sometimes i wonder what employers think when they interview me. maybe they think "i'm not hiring her, she'll scare the customers away!"

i can’t even be beautiful, even if I tried…

miracle cures for acne?

well roaccutane (oratane) definitely isn't one...
you have to be patient, very patient, for it to work.
so hopefully the results will be worth it.

i was at the doctors this morning, and he seemed at a loss to what to do because i still keep getting fresh acne, while the existing ones are still pretty bad.
he wanted to put me on the pill as well to speed up the process, but then he thought about it and said maybe we should just wait for the medication to take effect.

i've also been getting nosebleeds and puffy, swollen fingers :S
but i'm not sure if that's because of the medication or not...

oh, and another thing that you all might find useful;
the lady receptionist told me to:
- not eat beef
- drink lots of water (duh)
- drink chinese herbal medicine, apparently green tea will make it worse
- not consume soy sauce

i don't really believe in green tea making it worse, and i'm definitely NOT torturing my tastebuds with the chinese herbal teas, but it won't hurt to cut down on beef or soy sauce :)

xx

mwah xoxo

just kidding...
i wouldn't kiss anyone with these lips!
i am constantly putting lip balm on and they're still all dry and chapped, i can't even wear lipstick :(

sorry to disturb you with the picture, but i thought i'd let you all know exactly what it does to you, and i haven't finished my second month yet...

some days my lips are so cracked that they bleed. i've never had dry lips at the outer corners of my mouth, but they're the areas that seem to be affected the most. they sometimes crack so much that they feel like they're bleeding... but nothing else major.

what's really weird is, why is my face still oily?!
isn't oratane meant to dry it out?
i mean, it's not as oily as it was before, but still pretty shiny... especially in comparison to my lips!

anyways, that's probably the biggest side effect of being on oratane (for me) so far.
sorry if i scared you in any way :(

xx

perserverance.

what if...

okay, i'm halfway into my second month on oratane and i STILL keep getting fresh, new, irritating, painful bumps!

my face is painful to touch and painful to look at... i just want to start living life already, and be able to have a social life already :(
  so now i'm really scared... what if it doesn't work?!?!
because it's the strongest and most effective medication for acne right now, and if it doesn't work, then does that mean nothing will?

i sure hope it will work. 
even if the doctor puts me on the strongest dose possible and i have to put up with worse side effects, please just make it go away!

symmetrical acne?!

is there such a thing?!
because i get it al the time, and it's so annoying :'(
but it also may mean that it is linked to the reason why i get acne, i just can't figure it out...

everytime i get a pimple on one side of my face, i'll get it in the same position on the other side, even if it's somewhere where i don't usually break out...

such as under my ear, i now have a row of blemishes down both sides.

anyways, that's just my thoughts for today.

Krystal x

double dosage.

update:

so i'm now into my second month on roaccutane. my lips are constantly chapped, but other than that, i haven't noticed any other side effects, besides hurting my wallet :(

the doctor has just doubled my dose to 20mg twice a day... which cost me $98 for a pack of 60 capsules.

apparently my skin will be clear afer three months of treatment. two more months of perserverance to go... *sigh*

i would be so much more motivated to wake up and live life every morning if i woke up to beautiful skin!

K xoxo

1,2,3: i can count my acne!

so quick update: although there are still red bumps and hyperpigmentation all over my skin, the white painful bumps are getting less... i can actually now count them!

from a rough count, there are about 25 now in total on my face, which makes me happy considering i couldn't even count them before since they were all piled on top of each other.

in a few days, i will have finished my first month on oratane (roaccutane).

krystal xx

what a beautiful day...

today is such a lovely day! which also means that everyone can see my face clearly under the sunshine :(

and the sad thing is, this is better than before... my mum keeps saying she doesn't believe it's acne.

oratane hasn't stopped new spots from forming yet either, and even though my overall face is less lumpy and inflamed, these new spots are more big, bumpy and painful than before.

it's eating away at my face! even after my acne is gone, i'm still going to be left with deep holes all over my face.

lately everything seems kind of pointless. what's the point of exercising when i can't look good anyway? what's the point of getting out of bed this morning, when i have to face the world looking like this? why does every other girl i see have normal skin?

but never mind, life goes on, and i just have to learn to appreciate everything positive that happens. even though i can't improve my skin today, i can try and make other aspects of my life better, which is better than doing nothing at all... and what keeps me going is the belief that after this part of my life is over with, i will finally be beautiful.

i need a miracle (first fortnight on roaccutane)

so it's been exactly fourteen days on oratane and everything's been pretty normal... sort of.
my skin has seen some improvement, but i'm not sure whether it's because of the natural healing process, the new products i've been using or because of the medication itself.
i'm not going to bother posting up photos because to everyone else, it doesn't look much different since it's still inflamed and red... but to me, my skin feels so much smoother and less bumpy every day :)

i was extremely paranoid the first few days, for a number of reasons. firstly, because roaccutane is meant to increase your cholestrol levels. the first night i ate about four slices of pizza and half a bag of m&m's... i was just craving junkfood, and then i freaked out afterwards because you're not meant to go crazy on fats and sugars. i was on the train back home that night staring at the rest of the m&m's and eventually i focused on wanting my skin to get better and having a great body in time for a high school reunion party in three weeks. setting your mind to something really works! (however, i've still been eating pretty unhealthy lately, i wonder if oratane makes you crave food more...?)
i was also really paranoid because i read that you're not meant to take minocycline and roaccutane together. i was on minocycline the day before i started taking roaccutane, and even though i didn't technically take them "together" in one day, i was afraid that the minocycline was still in my system and that it was dangerous to take them both so close together... but a fortnight after, i'm fine.
some days i feel really down, or i'm thinking so much that my mind is buzzing, and then i get really paranoid that its a side effect of the roaccutane, but otherwise nothing extreme. i've also been extremely tired lately despite being on university holidays and sleeping in a lot... but i can't really contribute that to anything.

my lips are also get drier than normal, either because of the cold weather or the medication, but i just keep applying lip balm about four times a day... however i don't think my skin has gotten any drier (my skin type is oily). another abnormal thing is i've developed a blackhead on my face, and i haven't gotten a blackhead in years! it's not very noticeable to others in comparison to my red face yet it really stands out to me... but it's hardly a thing to complain about.
tomorrow night is a high school reunion party, which i have been looking forward to for two months... the event of the year. but honestly, i can't go with my skin looking like this... it's so frustrating and upsetting because if i didn't get that stupid microdermbrasion treatment, i wouldn't have to sacrifice tomorrow night. so i need a miracle... that at least my skin won't be bumpy tomorrow and i can cover the redness with foundation :(

i wish i could go back in time, been brave enough to go on the medication three months ago instead of messing around with different medications, and have clear skin by by now.
but i guess in life you can't have everything, and sometimes you have to make sacrifices. maybe tomorrow night just isn't meant to be. soon all my skin problems will be gone and maybe next high school reunion, i can look the best i've ever looked :')

so that's my update for today; i just wanted to to share this especially with those scared of going on roaccutane, and let you know that its not as scary as it sounds (well it hasn't been for me yet). some days, i can't bear to even look at myself in the mirror... i have never seen another girl with a skin condition like mine. i'd rather tolerate the side effects than not being able to tolerate myself.
krystal xx

better things are coming

last resort: roaccutane

i have been so frustrated and at a loss of what to do. i think i've been trying to convince myself and others that natural is the best way to go... that my acne will go away if i do the right things, and eat the right food. countless google research has told me that stuff like benzoyl peroxide and antibiotics are bad, and that acne will go away if you change your lifestyle. i tried to be patient, but how much more patient do i have to be?! i wanted to believe it so badly, since i hate chemicals and non-natural products and tried to convince myself that maybe "god" and nature will fix this, that my face is actually getting better everyday... but i am fed up!
six years of constant acne has led to permanent scarring, which looks like lots of deep holes all over my face.
so recently;
i went to this first doctor who has prescribed me minocycline and epiduo (2.5% benzoyl peroxide) for the last three or four months. he told me that i needed to use the epiduo every night, without moisturiser, along with the antibiotics. he said i would need the antibiotics and epiduo until i was 25 years old (7 years of additional chemicals internally and externally). i did this for a few days, but i got impatient and after i discovered the regimen i put it on twice a day, with moisturiser.
the antibiotics, well, they didn't make any difference. two or three years ago, when i first took was prescribed them, they helped a bit, but my acne came back so i think my body kind of got used to it and it stopped having any effect... and it didn't make one little difference improvement time round.

i went to the doctor and told him it wasn't working, my acne wasn't getting better if not worse, but i had been using it twice a day. he got angry and said this is why it wasn't working, because i was using it too much. i kind of hated the benzoyl peroxide, blaming it for the cause of inflammation and redness, so i cut down to once every two nights. i went back to the doctors when it didn't help, and he told me it was because i wasn't using it enough! then he prescribed me with erythromycin and told me to take two tablets twice a day instead of the minomycline, for twelve days. i did not use the epiduo as well because i was completely against benzoyl peroxide by now... not only is it bad for your skin and apparently speed up the aging process of your skin (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGANWnN6MsQ) but it didn't help my acne. i went back to my doctor on thursday, and he got really angry at me, saying that i "messed it up" and the reason that it wasn't getting better was because i didn't follow his instructions, including stopping the epiduo while on erythromycin. but really, i was thinking, if the antibiotics he prescribed me were effective and worked internally, why did my acne get worse over the course of four months? and the benzoyl peroxide should have some positive effect, right? even if i didn't use it everyday? :(

all the nurses  and pharmacists at the clinic has been telling me to pressure him to send me to a dermatologist, that four months was long enough, that i needed to be strong and that after going to a dermatologist, my skin will be beautiful and that i'm a beautiful girl, just with acne. they said that they had children who had acne like me, and that after they visited "dr roland" nearby, they're completely better.

so that day my dad came with me and we told him that i wanted to see the dermatologist. he got angry, saying that the dermatologist will tell me the same thing, and the only difference is that the dermatologist can prescribe me is roaccutane, which is a really uncomfortable medication. he said that of course i'm going to think the dermatologist is "good" and that he was "no good" if i followed the dermatologist's instructions and not his, and that the dermatologist's knowledge on acne is the same as his anyways. he said that the dermatologist may decide to prescribe me roaccutane, but my acne wasn't severe enough and that i didn't need it... i told him i heard about roaccutane being a permanent fix, and he said that my acne will never go away and nothing is permanent. however he wrote me a referral letter anyways.
that night i did lots of googling on roaccutane and dermatologist fees. a consulation would cost around $175 even on referral and i would require lots of visits and checkups. neither the fees or the medication would be covered by my healthcare card, but i may receive a discount. also, accutane wasn't a permanent fix for some people (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3DnAAX3SXjY&feature=channel&list=UL) and after all that trouble, it might come back. it could also lead to permanent damage to your body, which kind of freaked me out. i ran downstair, told my dad to not call the dermatologist tomorrow morning! not yet, my cousin had given me the number of her doctor and said that he was really good and helped her kids with some of their skin problems, so he might help me too. i don't think dad was 100% happy with this, because he wanted me to go to a dermatologist, but i told him that i wanted another opinion and that i wanted to try all possible alternatives first.
so friday morning, i rang up the clinic at 9am. i got an appointment at 12:15pm, went there and didn't have to wait an hour to see the doctor like at the previous clinic. he was really friendly and had a sense of humour. he looked at my face, asked me what i had been using, told me that the minomycline and epiduo weren't going to help me with my condition, told me that i had severe acne and even some cystic acne. he prescribed me with a generic version of roaccutane (called oratane) straight away, after making a few phone calls about an authority number and changes in the law (GP's can prescribe roaccutane now?!). i told him i was worried because i had heard all these bad things about roaccutane, and he told me not to worry or get scared about all the things on the internet, that most people are fine... i will get dry skin and my cholestrol levels will rise but nothing serious, plus he will be checking up on me and taking my blood every month. he took photos of my face with his iphone so he could show me and my dad the progress each month. i then asked him if i should continue using the epiduo while on roaccutane and he said that i could - i then told him i heard that it isn't good to use both at the same time, and then he thought for a bit, said that he was trying to save me money but then prescribed me with one of "his creams" which the chemist would have to mix up for me, but it would cost more and wasn't covered by healthcare or medicare.

(also i forgot to mention, my acne is genetic because my dad had really severe acne. he said that he had it up until almost 30, also took roaccutane and that it went away forever... he had no side effects except for really dry skin and lips.)
i'm sick of having acne controlling my life decisions: prolonging visits to friends so i could prolong the amount of hours before i put on makeup, coming home early after going out with friends so i can wash my face, driving a different way home to avoid driving past people i know, spending hours on the internet looking up acne cures, not sleeping over a friends house after a late night out because they would see my face without makeup, being embarrassed when friends come over and finding that i cover my pillows with towels, my aunty telling me not to kiss my little sister because i might give her pimples...

i went home that day feeling happy and hopeful. at the moment, my face is so bad that i can't hide my acne, despite putting about five layers of foundation on. the googling really came in handy, because the night before i was planning to go to a dermatologist and see if he would prescribe me roaccutane. deciding to go to this doctor first meant saving thousands of dollars on dermatologist fees, and probably saving money on the medication too. also, i didn't care that roaccutane might be harmful to my body in the long-run, or that i might be in discomfort and pain for a few months. i was prepared to undergo pain if it meant i could live a normal life in six months time... at this stage i will do almost anything for my skin to get better. this might sound crazy, but after my first tablet i could not wait to see dry skin or lips, because i'm impatient for the medication and results to kick in!

it's getting worse!

well, on my cheeks anyways.

i look at photos from a month ago (when i thought my acne was so severe) compared to now, and i have a new perception of what "severe acne" really is.

i keep asking myself WHYYYYYYYYYY?? isn't it getting better, despite everything i'm doing :(

the funny thing is, i never had acne on my back or neck, but i started getting acne on those areas after i went on medication. i've  been off medication for a week, and all my acne on my back hand neck has healed.

also, my nose and surrounding areas are completely clear (and also the areas in which i don't use benzoyl peroxide or anything which chemicals, only natural products such as jojoba oil as moisturiser) so i'm thinking that a 100% natural routine would be perfect, if only my acne wasn't so bad that i have to keep putting tinted moisturisers, bb cream or foundation on in order to go out in public!

another weird thing: i got a pimple under my nose a few days ago, and two days later, it's healed! and the pimples on my forehead is slowly fading. so what i'm doing with my routine must be kind of working... just not on my cheeks. i don't understand it, my severe acne is now all clustered on my cheeks and won't go away, and it's symmetrical on both sides of my face :'(

that's my update for the week... today i'm planning on going shopping and i really hate putting make-up on so what i've discovered is hiding my identity by wearing dark sunglasses and letting hair fall over one side of my face. that way, if i bump into someone i know, they won't recognise me... and all the other people i encounter will just see me as a random person with severe acne and no other real significance :)

stay strong.

microdermbrasion and acne

good morning everyone :)

so today i just wanted to tell everyone my experience with microdermbrasion and acne... because i really wish i had found reviews about it before i went to get it done. i tried to search it on google but i had read some confusing reviews (here is an example: http://www.healthguidance.org/entry/12808/1/Do-Microdermabrasion-Acne-Treatments-Work.html) so i went ahead with it.

i got it done along with blue-light therapy, which is meant to kill the bacteria before the microdermbrasion. when i decided to get it done, my skin was improving and the main areas that were affected were my cheeks, but after the treatments it just spread throughout my entire face and made it worse than ever!

i've never shown anyone these photos before, but... *deep breath* here are some before and after photos:

now it's painful to wash my face, and i can't seem to do anything to get rid of them :'(

before i could just cover everything with foundation or tinted moisturiser, but after microdermbrasion my workmates would pull me aside and comment "you need to give your skin a break!" because it started to become really noticeable and bumpy, depsite my attempts to cover it.

verdict?

DO NOT GET MICRODERMBRASION IF YOU HAVE ACNE.

it has completely ruined my face.

my story.

so i was going to start an acne blog ages ago, but i was too scared to show the world my skin.
i thought, "i'm more determined than ever it'll get better in a couple of weeks, i'll do it then"
but it never got better.

i've suffered from mild to severe acne for about 6 years now, and it's currently at its worst point.
i've tried pretty much everything except accutance, from countless creams, natural remedies, chinese herbal stuff which makes me want to vomit, benzoyl peroxide, antibiotics, switching lifestyle habits, healthy eating, drowning myself in drinking water, blue-light therapy, salon facials, the pill, supplementary vitamin tablets...

i'm at my most desperate point right now. i've currently turned eighteen and this should be the best year of my life!
it's ruined so many aspects of my life; i would be too ashamed to take my make-up off when having sleepovers with a big group of friends, i can't leave the house without make-up to walk across the road and buy a bottle of milk just in case someone i know drives past, i'm supposed to be moving into university housing which i had begged my parents for but now i'm too embarrassed that my potential housemates will see my real skin... if my parents are driving and they want to spontaneously stop at a restaurant for dinner, i would be too scared to get out of the car because i'm not wearing foundation. i take ages in the bathroom every morning and night, and sometimes i will leave a party early so i can go home and not disrupt my cleaning routine. i've never had a boyfriend, because i never thought i should have one until my face clears up, because one day i will have to show him my real face and he'll be like "holy shit" and i'll feel like i've been deceiving him the whole time. it has gotten to the point where it controls the decisions in my life, sometimes i just want to stay locked up in my room for days until my face clears up.

what really inspired me to create this blog was from watching youtube videos by cassandra banks (if you don't know who she is, here is a link: http://www.youtube.com/user/DiamondAndHeels14?feature=watch: i wish i had discovered her foundation video before my year 12 formal!) i think a blog will really help connect me to other acne sufferers out there, as well as allow me to keep track of my progress. one day, the fight will be won, and when it gets better i can share my progress with others, hopefully helping them too.

anyways, that's my intro for today + my first ever blog entry.
update soon :) xx